I made my fortune in cartography. I do love a map.
Especially if it’s to a place that doesn’t really exist. Pretend maps—a GPS to
nowhere.
In college, I befriended a computer geek whose
capstone project was a video game about a lost city. Think Indiana Jones meets
Men in Black. He needed a map for players. I drew many—enough for all the
levels of jungle and skyscrape cities and space. Space maps are my least
favorite. I like to keep my feet on planet earth, or at least within the
atmosphere. Google Play bought his game, and I was paid a lump sum and continue
to earn royalties every time it’s purchased. His capstone was the game; mine
was the business plan and the contract. Neither one of us work much anymore.
So when one of the producers of “A Season of
Bachelors” flew to Austin and found us sitting in Acoustic Café drinking lattes
and planning the evening, he propositioned us to be contestants. Chuck,
Computer Geek, said no. I just laughed. So the producer handed me his card.
Later that night, Chuck bet me fifty grand I wouldn’t make it past week 3 in a
game like this. Glitz, and fake boobs, and booz. What guy, introverted or not,
wouldn’t take that challenge?
Game on.
I wonder if I can draw a map from this café to the “Sanctuary”—A
Season of Bachelors stationed house for all the contestants—located somewhere
in Hollywood.
Chuck thinks I’ll fail because I have too many
rules. This, my friends, may be true, but we want what we want, and cannot help
the attributes which irritate us.
Rule #1
Don’t date anyone who changes the traditional
spelling of their name for the sake of trend. Examples: Britanee, Brandi,
Lizzee. You get my drift. Basically replacing the “y”s with “I”s and “s”s with
“z”s. If the image of a heart floating above the straight line indicating a
lower-case “i,” walk away in a brisk manner.
Rule #2
Don’t date a girl who wears a thick stripe of blush
across her cheeks. It’s distracting and implies a lack of bone structure or
insecurity about it.
Rule #3
Must be somewhat knowledgeable in the subject of
geography. If they talk about the state of the country of Africa, make a polite
toast and walk away.
Rule #4
Should be able to run at least 2 miles. Three is
better.
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